I Wanted to Live

I Wanted to Live

A collection of poems by Samantha Ruth

To My Lover

I lay awake in my bed in the night,

Grief like a storm, consuming my sight.

I was once so full of love and light,

But now life is full of nothing but fright.

A plan forms in my head and I rise,

Though it will be a dangerous surprise.

I grab a shovel and I start to dig,

Till I find the casket, a sight so big.

My tears start to flow, I cannot control,

I open the lid and behold.

The corpse of my lover, so still and so cold,

My heart shatters, my grief uncontrolled.

I take them in my arms and I weep,

And with the shovel I start to heap.

Dirt upon the casket, though I am weak,

My love has gone, I'm in too deep.

In grief and despair I can no more cope,

I mourn and I weep for all I can hope.

That I can find solace and strength to cover,

The unholy sin I've committed to my lover.

Foreword

“Perhaps her most poignant pieces yet, 'I Wanted to Live' compiles the darkest and most thought-provoking poems of Samantha Ruth's career. Weaving through these eclectic vignettes is like peeling back the author's mind and basking in the trauma within. Tackling topics of suicide, sudden deaths, and the pain that comes with it all, this collection is as healing as it is revealing.”

The description is written by Graydon Webb.

Some pieces contain mature themes.

Find it on Wattpad!

Sonnet [1]

A tree that stands so tall, in shades of green,

It reaches to the sky so high above.

Its branches spreading out like arms unseen
Offering a refuge for the birds you love.

As years go by, the trunk begins to age,
Its bark rough and worn, its leaves few and sparse.
The vibrant greens that once adorned its page
Are now replaced with browns and grays, a curse.

As its colors fade, it slowly starts to die,
Its limbs once so strong, begin to fall and break.
The birds that loved it, now must say goodbye
In sadness, they take flight, and so must wake.

The tree still stands, though now it is quite scarce
A life once so full, now empty and bare.

988

Suicide, a word that carries pain,
No one should suffer this bane.
A life lost, a heart broken,
A void left, never to be spoken.

The sadness builds and builds within,
A weight too heavy to carry on.
No one knows how much they'll bear,
Until they're in a despair.

The darkness wraps around their soul,
Till they can no longer feel whole.
And the only way out seems so near,
Suicide, a way to end the fear.

But before they take such a heavy toll,
Please, let them know they're not alone.
For each of us can offer a hand,
To help them stand and understand

That life is precious and can be great,
And we can turn our fate.
So if you know of someone in pain,
Reach out and help them break the chain.

‘Tis the Holiday Season…

'Tis the holiday season, a time of joy and cheer,

Yet mixed with sorrow for all we've lost this year.

Amidst the tragedies, so many have faced,

Joy can still be found in the simplest of places.

We can find it in the laughter of young children,

In the giving of gifts and the warmth of their kin.

In the stories of loved ones and how they persevered,

And in the kindness of strangers who've never been feared.

The holidays can still be full of cheer and delight,

Though we should remember those who can't join the fight.

For those who suffer, we can still show our support,

And keep their memories alive in our hearts forevermore.

Though the holiday season may bring sorrow and pain,

We can still find joy and hope in its days and remain.

Let us honor our lost ones and make their memory bright,

And find joy in our hearts for this season of light.

Survivor’s Guilt

Survivor's guilt is a heavy weight to bear,

It comes with memories of pain and despair.

The weight of what was lost can seem so unfair,

And can leave one with not a single care.

As days pass by, the heaviness does not abate,

It lingers on like a morning mist over lake.

It's so hard to make sense of this cruel fate,

And why we are the ones life chose to take.

Tis not a burden that can be easily forgot,

It's a part of us that can never be ignored.

We try to move on, but its presence is a lot,

And rescue we seek, yet it remains unexplored.

But life must go on, and to this we must accept,

That the pain of the past can never be repressed.

We must live with the guilt, and learn to be deft,

And find hope in life, despite our distress.

My Heart Was Heavy…

My heart was heavy with a pain so deep,

When I found out I would no longer keep,

The child I had dreamt of for so long,

My dreams of motherhood now gone.

Tears of sorrow filled my eyes,

As I thought of the sorrowful goodbye,

I had to say to the life in my womb,

The pain of loss was my gloom.

My arms so empty and my heart so bare.

The grief too much to share.

The days that passed were hard to bear.

The loss of my child was so unfair.

But in time I learnt to let go,

And find strength within my soul,

My heart still aches for the life I lost,

But I will never again feel the cost.

Of a miscarriage so cruel and so harsh,

But I will remember my little one, in my heart.

She Was a Woman Who Fought…

She was a woman who fought so hard,

To battle her mental illness, a relentless shard.

She reached out and found a few friends,

And felt her heart start to mend.

The lightness of her newfound life,

Gave her the strength to stand and fight.

Her positivity shone through her days,

And helped her find her way.

Her friends saw her courage in her strife,

And cheered her on through all of life.

But in a moment, all was lost,

Her life taken, her friends paid the cost.

The darkness of her sudden death,

Still lingers in her friends' breath.

As they remember her courage and fight,

Their hearts are heavy, tears fall like night.

Though their hearts are broken and sore,

They know one day they'll meet her more.

Where she'll be healthy and whole,

Where there's no more darkness, no more cold.

Terminal

Once upon a time, a brave hero set off on a quest
A journey that was filled with fear and doubt, but he was blessed
With courage and strength, he pushed on, undeterred
For he was determined to reach his goal, his courage never blurred.

He fought his way through raging storms and raging seas
Fighting off monsters, beasts, and other enemies
His battles were hard and his wounds ran deep
But he continued onward, his will would not sleep.

He crossed mountains and valleys, rivers and seas
Forging onward, despite the difficulties
His path was treacherous, his foes were fierce
But he never gave up, despite the threat of tears.

The hero's journey was a long and lonely one
He knew his fate, and he knew it could not be undone
But he kept going, his courage never swayed
He kept his head held high, his faith stayed.

He fought an epic battle, and he won the day
But his victory was not enough to keep him on his way
For his journey was nearing its end, and his death was all but certain
But he kept fighting, his courage and spirit still burning.

The hero's journey was coming to a close
But he never gave up, his courage never froze
He fought with honor, and he fought with pride
His courage and spirit never died.

He finally met his fate, his journey ended in death
But the hero's legacy will never fade away with his last breath
For he fought an epic battle, and his courage never dimmed
His journey will be remembered, his courage and spirit unfading and golden-rimmed.

In a Garden’s Embrace…

In a garden's embrace, a seed was sown,

Nurtured by nature, its beauty soon shown.

Petals unfurled, a delicate dance,

Growing with grace, a symbol of chance.

But fate intervened, a tragic end near,

Crushed underfoot, its demise so severe.

Yet, in its demise, a lesson we find,

Life's fragility, a reminder unkind.

In the Darkest Hours…

In the darkest hours, where shadows creep,

A tale of horror, refusing death's sleep.

A chilling force, it whispers in the night,

A haunting wish to resist its sight.

Death's cold grip tugs at my trembling soul,

But I yearn for life, its mysteries untold.

I turn away, in defiance I stand,

Against the reaper's inevitable demand.

His bony fingers beckon, a macabre dance,

But I fight the urge, I won't give in by chance.

The echoes of his laughter pierce the air,

A macabre symphony, I refuse to bear.

Through haunted forests, I voyage alone,

Illuminated by the pale moon's bone.

Fear stalks my footsteps, whispers in my ear,

Yet determined I am, to persevere.

In this nightmare realm, filled with dread,

I'll face the darkness, where spirits tread.

For I shall not surrender, nor be consumed,

Refusing death's call, until my final tomb.

Snowflake

A snowflake, born in Heaven's embrace,

Descends from the sky with delicate grace.

A crystal creation, unique and pure,

Floating gently, a miracle to endure.

Drifting through clouds, in a waltz of its own,

Whispering secrets, to the winds it is thrown.

In the vastness of space, a fleeting birth,

A moment of beauty, before it touches Earth.

Falling softly, like a feather in flight,

Blanketing the world in a gown of white.

Landing on the ground, with a gentle sigh,

Melting slowly, as time passes by.

From the heavens above, to the earthly plane,

The snowflake's journey, a fragile refrain.

A life so brief, yet filled with wonder and worth,

A symbol of nature's ephemeral birth.

In its final moments, as it fades away,

The snowflake whispers, a silent display.

A reminder that life is fleeting, yet profound,

A dance of existence, on Earth's sacred ground.

The Sea Holds a Secret…

The sea holds a secret deep within its foam,
A tale of pain and loss, a father's gloom,
For there he saw his daughter, so forlorn,
Drowning, in her death his heart was torn.

He tried to save her, but it was in vain,
The crashing waves pulled her down again,
The ocean's depths had her in its grasp,
Her father's relentless efforts, alas.

He screamed her name, his heart aching with fear,
But all of his efforts, wasted, it seemed,
Now when he sees the sea's foam so clear,
His daughter's ghost appears in his dreams.

Oh father's broken heart, so full of pain,
Your daughter in the ocean's foam remain.

In a Bond Unbreakable…

In a bond unbreakable, two hearts entwined,

A dog and a man, a friendship defined.

With wagging tails and joyful barks,

They wandered through life, leaving their marks.

Through fields they roamed, in the sun's warm embrace,

Chasing dreams and laughter, in an endless chase.

The man found solace in the dog's loyal eyes,

And the dog found love in the man's gentle sighs.

But one fateful day, as the sun began to set,

The dog sensed something was wrong, a feeling he couldn't forget.

He followed the scent of sorrow in the air,

Until he found his friend, lifeless and bare.

The dog whimpered softly, his heart filled with pain,

He nudged the man's hand, but it was all in vain.

Tears fell from the dog's eyes, like rain from the sky,

As he bid farewell to his friend, with a mournful cry.

In the silence that followed, the garden stood still,

The dog and the man, forever bonded by will.

Though death had torn them apart, their spirits remained,

A testament to a friendship that forever sustained.

Death Brings Change…

Death brings change, it's true, yet life remains,

A living force that even death can't end.

Though life may seem to wane, its flame still gains

The strength to spark an ever-growing trend.

Though darkness brings a chill, and shadows creep,

The light of life still burns within the night.

Though death may take away, it also keeps

A bond that binds us in a perfect plight.

Death's presence brings a strange and somber grace,

A reminder of our fragile mortality.

It brings us peace, a balm to soothe the face

Of fear and worry, when our hearts can't rally.

Life's gift, so precious, death can not depart,

Its whispers last, an echo in our heart.

Once a Man so Loved a Wife…

Once a man so loved a wife his heart did break,

When death had taken her, his love did quake.

He dug up her corpse and held it close to him,

In grief he wept, his soul did slowly dim.

His love was so strong, it could not be quelled,

He held her close, his heart he could not felled.

In madness, he twirled and danced with her in arm,

His sorrow revealed, for death had taken his charm.

In his mind, he saw her beauty ever more,

His love for her could not be ignored.

Though his pain was so real, he carried on still,

His love for her, he'd never let it chill.

The man so loved his wife, his heart did break,

That he'd go mad, no one could mistake.

And so he danced with her, his love so true,

Until death released him, his face now blue.

The Obituary

My heart sinks deep, I feel its pain,

As I read the obituary.

It says they've gone, and I'm alone,

This feeling so hard to atone.

I can't believe it, I won't accept,

That I can't see them, nor can I text.

That I can't hear their laugh or voice,

I'm left with no other choice.

The sorrow fills my heart with grief,

And I feel it like a thief.

It takes away my hope and joy,

My sadness I can't destroy.

A million memories I have of them,

The obituary I can't condemn.

It's a reminder of the life once there,

As I read it, I can't help but stare.

I cry for days, I can't deny,

That I'm sad, and I will cry.

But I'm thankful for the time we shared,

It's what keeps me from despair.

Two Friends

Two friends, so close, so like brothers,

In life, they shared joys and others.

As life unfolded, they tried to grow,

But one of them, it all seemed to slow.

The joy of life, it seemed to fade,

As one of them, his sadness stayed.

The pain of life, it seemed too much,

He could not bear its weight, his touch.

The other, he held his friend so tight,

But the darkness had taken over his sight.

No matter what, he could not be saved,

His friend's heart, it could not be braved.

The one was left, his heart was so broken,

The other, he was unable to awaken.

No more laughter, no more smiles,

All that was left were bitter miles.

The one was gone, forever away,

The other, he wished for the same that day.

The life of the one, taken too soon,

The other, he could not reach the moon.

A tragedy, a sadness so deep,

The one had sacrificed his life, to sleep.

The other, he held his friend so close,

As he cried his tears, his heart had froze.

When Summer Fades…

When summer fades away and autumn comes to reign,

The world we knew in sun and heat is slain;

The trees of green surrender leaves of brown,

A somber scene of death is spread around.

The skies of blue are masked with clouds of grey,

The songs of birds no longer heard to play;

The warmth of sun-kissed days now gone astray,

The chill of autumn winds brings sadness and dismay.

The fields of green, so lush, so full of life,

Are now replaced with barrenness and strife;

The joy of summer, gone with winter's knife,

We mourn the death of summer in this endless cycle of life.

Death is a Never-Ending Mystery…

Death is a never-ending mystery.

No one knows what awaits us when we fall asleep,

As life slips away, the soul is set free.

To a place that no one can quite see.

The questions linger, as the dead are laid to rest.

What is the ultimate fate of the deceased?

Are they in an eternal slumber or a place of peace?

Are they looking down on us or from some other place they peak?

Death is the great equalizer,

It takes away our pain and strife.

We all come from different places,

But in the end, we all have the same life.

Life can be full of joy and sorrow,

But nothing lasts forever.

Death will come for us all.

No matter how much we endeavor.

Life is a precious gift,

It shouldn't be taken for granted

We should use our time wisely.

So our souls won't be haunted.

Death is a part of life.

It's the natural order of things.

But it can also bring us joy,

By reminding us of the beauty life brings.

…Your Home

I remember seeing your home,

Your empty, cold home.

I stood on your porch,

your bug-ridden porch,

your brightly lit, bug-ridden porch.

I talked to your neighbor,

Your bitch of a neighbor,

Who threatened to call the police.

Finally, she helped me, invited me inside her home,

Her warmly lit, bug-free home.

And that's where she told me, "Oh, she's dead."

That my friend was dead.

I had gone to your home,

and stood on your porch,

and talked to your neighbor,

inside her home,

and the whole time you were dead.

Oh, Death…

Oh death, you mysterious enigma

Your presence brings both fear and intrigue

Just when we think we understand you

You twist and turn, leaving us disoriented

You come with finality, yet leave us with questions

The mysteries of the afterlife and what lies beyond

We grapple with the notion of our mortality

And wonder what awaits us in the great beyond

We search for meaning in your cold embrace

And struggle to comprehend your perplexing ways

You leave us with a sense of unease and uncertainty

As we try to make sense of your perplexing dance

Oh death, you confounding riddle

We may never truly understand your depths

But we continue to ponder and contemplate

The bewildering nature of your existence.

In Our Pain…

In the blink of an eye, you were gone,

Leaving behind a world to mourn,

Your laughter and light, now just a memory,

Leaving us with an ache that won't be set free.

Too soon, too sudden, you slipped away,

Leaving us to pick up the pieces each day,

But in our hearts, you'll always remain,

Forever loved, never forgotten, in our pain.

I am a Guest at My own Funeral…

I am a guest at my own funeral,
A silent observer, a ghostly presence.
I watch as the tears fall, the eulogies are read,
And the memories of me are shared.

I see my loved ones grieving,
Feeling the weight of their loss.
I want to reach out and comfort them,
But I am just a shadow in their midst.

I hear the whispers of sorrow,
The heavy sobs of those who mourn.
I wish I could tell them I am at peace,
But my voice is but a whisper in the wind.

I long to hold them close,
To wipe away their tears,
But I am a guest in this somber place,
A mere spectator of my own farewell.

I hope they know how much I love them,
How grateful I am for their love and care.
I am a guest at my own funeral,
But my spirit will always be with them there.

When I was 16, you were 15.

I think we had just met.

When I was 17, you were 16,

I think we were close friends.

When I was 18, you were 16,

Never to grow another year older.

When I was 19, you were 16,

And my life went to shit.

When I was 20, you were 16,

And things got a bit better.

When I was 21, you were 16,

And I felt like I was leaving you behind.

When I was 22, you were 16,

And I missed you a lot.

Now I am 23, and you are dead,

And it feels like I just found out.

The Three Fates

In weaving threads of destiny,

The three fates sit side by side,

Spinning, measuring, and cutting,

The paths on which we all abide.

Clotho, the spinner of life's thread,

Creates our narrative from the start,

Lachesis, the measurer of time,

Dictates how long we play our part.

And Atropos, with scissors sharp,

Cuts the thread when it's time to depart,

Their hands determine our fate's course,

Weaving fate with ancient art.

So as we move through life's grand dance,

The three fates guide us on our way,

Their tapestry of destiny,

Shapes each dawn and dusk of day.

A Rose and a Woman

A withering rose, so frail and whisper-thin,

A sight of beauty, though its life soon ends.

It mirrors a woman who nears her passed kin,

Her beauty too, soon to life's curtains end.

For both are life's symbols of frailness,

The rose, a beauty of nature's plan.

The woman, a beauty of nature's progress,

Gentleness of life in each woman and flower span.

Each beauty in its own time must fade,

The rose departs with autumn's last grace.

The woman, her beauty wanes with shade,

The sun hides behind a cloud's embrace.

But both in beauty made their mark,

The rose, and the woman, together aging.

Their beauty will end, but not life's spark,

For each one will find in death's peace its blessing.

A Matchstick Loves a Candle

A matchstick, so small and weak,
Craved nothing more than to seek
The warmth and light of a candle bright,
To make his life feel just right.

The flame, a beauty so grand,
Moved the matchstick to take a stand.
He wanted to bask in her fire and glow,
But his feelings he could not show.

The candle's flame flickered and swayed,
Drawing the matchstick in her blaze.
He thought of her day and night,
Which only made his feelings ignite.

He wanted to tell her of his love,
But he was too shy, so he stayed above.
He watched her from afar in the dark,
Admiring her beauty, he had a spark.

The matchstick's flame burned bright and true,
But it was for the candle he longed to pursue.
He wanted so much to be with her,
But alas, it was but a blur.

The candle looked ever so fair,
But her flame was just too far to share.
The matchstick's heart felt such despair,
For he knew his soul would soon be bare.

He had to accept his fate,
Of death, and a love too late.
He found solace in the night,
Where he could feel the candle's light.

As Time Moves On…

As time moves on, my years begin to show,
The wrinkles on my face, the silvery grey,
Yet I can take it in my stride, you know,
These signs of age, they come and pass away.

The creaks in my joints and aches in my bones,
The memories of days that have gone by,
My eyes still twinkle, I know I'm not alone,
For I can see the beauty in the sky.

The wisdom I've gained throughout life's many tests,
I carry with me as I breathe each day,
The beauty of age, I do not regret,
It's a gift I'm grateful for in every way.

For when I reach the end, I'll go with grace,
My dignity and spirit, still in place.

A Duckling Thought…

A duckling thought a daffodil was its mom

So it plucked it, and wherever it did roam

It waddled close as it could be

In search of love and security

But the duckling found, with dismay

That the daffodil had withered away

Grandma

Grandmother gone, we all feel the loss.

A young child's world now changed, she'll have to cope.

No more hugs, no more stories, no more her loving care.

The pain of death, for a child, it's hard to bear.

Her heart aches, her sadness deep,

Her innocence lost, it's hard to keep.

Questions racing through her mind,

"What is death?" "Will I ever see her again?"

So many emotions, so many tears,

Her emotions, like the ocean, ebb and flow.

Her family there, to comfort and embrace,

But this journey, she must take, she can't escape.

She'll learn to live with her grandmother's loss,

Memories of her will forever remain.

The sweetest moments, forever in her heart,

The love of her grandmother, will never part.

The sadness will linger, but soon it'll subside,

The young child will understand death in time.

She'll learn that death is not the end,

But a beginning, of a new life to tend.

The pain of death, a heavy load,

But her grandmother's spirit, will forever show.

She'll feel her love, even from miles away,

And she'll always remember that, on this day.

Death…Lonely…

Death so lonely, no one to see

No one to care, or to be

No one to laugh, no one to cry

No one to love, no one to try

Death so silent and still

No one to talk, no one to fill

No one to share, no one to embrace

No one to hold, no one to face

Death so dark and so deep

No one to care, no one to keep

No one to miss, no one to love

No one to stay, no one above

Afterword

There is a part of our lives that is distinctly shaped in a "before" and an "after". That time is when we first encounter death. We miss who we were before when we had our loved one in our life. We must learn to live with who we are after they are taken away from us.

This poetry collection, and the poems within, are dedicated to everyone we have lost. We miss you.

Thank you for reading, and for being a part of my life,

Samantha Ruth